Rose looked at the death anniversary card. It was a single piece of white glossy paper folded into two making it a booklet with four sides.
The first side had a photo of her husband.
The second side had a picture of the virgin mother and a small prayer.
The third side included details of the anniversary mass and lunch venue.
The last side had names of all the family members including her two sons, Thomas and Joseph.
Her husband smiled at her from the card. Memories flashed through her mind as Rose looked longingly at her husbands photo.
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"He is my son", said Mathew proudly.
"Yea.. smarter one is always yours", Rose complained.
"He has my intelligence. Thomas has yours", Mathew teased.
Rose carried on with the chores with a smile on her lips.
The two kids came running into the house.
"Papa, papa..Tommy is hitting me"
Mathew looked at his elder son.
"Why are you hitting him?"
"Because he is making fun of me papa. He keeps calling me a moron", Thomas complained.
"No papa.. he keeps calling me a crook. I called him a 'moron' only today..", Joseph whined.
"Stop it both of you. No calling names in the house. And Tommy, he is your younger brother. Behave nicely to him. And Jo.. will you call you brother a moron again?", Mathew asked his younger son.
"No papa.. I won't"
And saying this Joseph cosied into his father's laps.
Thomas left the room.
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Rose heard footsteps outside. She rose from her chair with much difficulty and walked towards the door. After a brief struggle with the bolts, Rose opened the door.
"Where is Tresa mama?"
"She is sleeping with the baby"
"Did you have your dinner mama?"
"No son.. I thought I'd wait for you.."
"How many times I've told you mama.. don't wait for me. You should have your meals on time. Don't you remember what the doctor said?"
Rose did not reply. She smiled.
"Ok..come mama..let's have dinner together"
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"Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 2 marks!! 2 marks out of 100. How can I even come to collect the progress report??".
Rose was exploding with anger.
Thomas hung his head in shame.
Joseph watched the drama from a distance.
"How many hours did I spend with you Tommy.. tell me... were you dreaming when I taught you?? Answer me you idiot!!"
Rose was burning with anger and frustration.
"Look at your brother Tommy.. hundred out of hundred. Forget other kids.. can't you learn from him? How ashamed will he be when teachers ask him whether Thomas is his brother! Don't you have any shame?? 2 marks!!! Let papa come home today. I'm sick and tired of trying to teach you. Oh God..how will this child live on his own?"
Tears trickled down Rose's face.
Thomas looked at Joseph. Joseph ran to comfort his mother.
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"Everything is set for tomorrow mamma. I met Fr. George. He told us to come fifteen minutes before the mass. Jose uncle will bring the candles and the flowers. Tresa and I will arrange the flowers. And the caterer.. well he agreed for a payment next month. Thank God... or else we would have had to ...."
Rose had started crying.
"Come on mama... if you start now itself how can you hold yourself together tomorrow? No crying mama.. come on"
Rose didn't utter a word. She wiped her tears.
Memories kept flashing through her mind.
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Mathew looked at Thomas.
"If you had studied when we told you to study, you wouldn't have had to take up jobs like these. Go ahead.. what can I say. As you sow, so shall you reap. You will have to work in this low level office for the rest of your life. "
Mathew paused.
"Look at Joseph .. earning lakhs per month and living a happy life in US. Can your annual salary equal his monthly salary? Anyways .. what's the point. Take the job. At least we get to see you every day.. not that it is any consolence."
Thomas didn't reply anything. He looked at his mother who stood behind Mathew.
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Rose looked at Thomas as he ate.
"Joseph won't come...isn't it?"
Thomas stopped eating.
"He is busy mama.. he told you right.. he is busy.. and it's not easy getting leave and tickets mama.."
"But he didn't stay for the 5th day either"
"Mama... he works for a big company. They don't care what happened to our papa. "
Rose looked at her son. Thomas stroked his mother's left hand.
Rose couldn't control any longer. She started crying.
"It's ok mama...it's ok.. I'm here"
Rose continued sobbing.
Thomas looked at his mothers wrinkled face. She looked different from the mother of his childhood. She looked scared, fragile.
"Do you hate me son?"
"Stop mama. Why will I hate you?"
Rose cried loudly.
"Oh Lord.. forgive me... forgive me Tommy.. your mother was a fool.. Oh Tommy...my dear son....forgive your mother son..."
Rose sobbed hysterically.
Thomas felt a lump in his throat.
And then Thomas hugged his mother's fragile body.
Deep inside he was filled with love and contentment.
Wednesday, September 1, 2021
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A tune from the past
Sometimes prose is just not good enough to express what one feels. Just like this post is not going to do justice to how I feel right now.
I am confused now a days. It's a different sort of confusion from the one you readers are familiar with through my other blog posts. I am confused with my feelings. I don't know whether to feel happy or sad, excited or nostalgic, enthusiastic or anxious. I don't know if it sounds like some superficial ruminations of a self indulgent guy who just got very lucky. If it does, I apologize. I realize there are many people who would be very happy to be in the position I am right now. I acknowledge and understand this.
However, my mind has been experiencing the full spectrum of emotions over the past few weeks. At times, I am busy looking through websites and you tube for information on my future college and Canada in general. I am awed by what I read and see and I am very excited to see and experience all these things for myself. But at other times, my wind wanders aimlessly into the recent and distant past in totally unpredictable fashion. Yesterday night, I was listening to this song and my mind took me ten years back to Rathi teacher; my dearest music teacher who taught me music for four years from 1996 - 2001.
I was one of her dearest students too. And the most senior one at that :). At times when she was late, she would instruct me to lead the class which comprised of kids much younger to me, some even younger by ten years. She had great hopes for me and when I was leaving Bangalore in 2001, she told me to pursue music without stopping.
I never pursued music after that.
I often regret not having done something I truly love and have a talent for. Whenever I look back at those wonderful times in Bangalore, I am filled with a kind of melancholic happiness, if such a thing exists. She had two kids, one who was in first standard and other who was in fifth or sixth when I left Bangalore after my 10th standard exams. Yesterday, I found myself furiously searching for either of them in facebook. I couldn't find the elder one but I found someone who shared the name of the younger one and who I thought resembled my music teacher. I sent a message to this girl, expecting no reply.
Maybe I am trying desperately to cling on to memories that I cherish. I have not seen my music teacher for ten years. Yesterday I decided that if I ever came across her two daughters in face book, I would make it a point to go and visit. Whether she would remember me is a totally different matter altogether, but my heart says that she would.
I hope my teacher and her two kids are doing very well wherever they are. I really miss those good old musical days.
I am confused now a days. It's a different sort of confusion from the one you readers are familiar with through my other blog posts. I am confused with my feelings. I don't know whether to feel happy or sad, excited or nostalgic, enthusiastic or anxious. I don't know if it sounds like some superficial ruminations of a self indulgent guy who just got very lucky. If it does, I apologize. I realize there are many people who would be very happy to be in the position I am right now. I acknowledge and understand this.
However, my mind has been experiencing the full spectrum of emotions over the past few weeks. At times, I am busy looking through websites and you tube for information on my future college and Canada in general. I am awed by what I read and see and I am very excited to see and experience all these things for myself. But at other times, my wind wanders aimlessly into the recent and distant past in totally unpredictable fashion. Yesterday night, I was listening to this song and my mind took me ten years back to Rathi teacher; my dearest music teacher who taught me music for four years from 1996 - 2001.
I was one of her dearest students too. And the most senior one at that :). At times when she was late, she would instruct me to lead the class which comprised of kids much younger to me, some even younger by ten years. She had great hopes for me and when I was leaving Bangalore in 2001, she told me to pursue music without stopping.
I never pursued music after that.
I often regret not having done something I truly love and have a talent for. Whenever I look back at those wonderful times in Bangalore, I am filled with a kind of melancholic happiness, if such a thing exists. She had two kids, one who was in first standard and other who was in fifth or sixth when I left Bangalore after my 10th standard exams. Yesterday, I found myself furiously searching for either of them in facebook. I couldn't find the elder one but I found someone who shared the name of the younger one and who I thought resembled my music teacher. I sent a message to this girl, expecting no reply.
Maybe I am trying desperately to cling on to memories that I cherish. I have not seen my music teacher for ten years. Yesterday I decided that if I ever came across her two daughters in face book, I would make it a point to go and visit. Whether she would remember me is a totally different matter altogether, but my heart says that she would.
I hope my teacher and her two kids are doing very well wherever they are. I really miss those good old musical days.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The story of the forest
I'm an old man now and I don't remember much of the things that happened in my wonderful journey through the forest. Yet, I believe I have to tell this story now before my memory eventually fails me. The story is nothing but a chronicle of the events that happened in my journey through the forest. What is this forest? Where is this forest? Well these are questions to which I still haven't found a satisfactory answer. But I believe it's got to do a lot with the fairy godmother and the cherubs. Most of my friends in the forest don't believe in the fairy godmother. But then, even they do not know much about the forest or why they came here. I have a habit of digressing..I think it's got to do a lot with my age. But let me start the story of the forest before I forget what I'm about to say..
The earliest memories I have of the forest is of the fairy godmother and the cherubs. Although I've not seen them for years, I believe that they are real. I'm often told that the fairy godmother and the cherubs are just a figment of my imagination. But my memories seem so real that its hard for me to believe otherwise.
My first distinct memory of the forest is of me walking through a misty plain accompanied by someone (most probably the fairy godmother) until the forest could be seen at some distance. And then I remember walking through the plain alone until I reached the edge of the dense forest.
The entrance of the forest was like a budding flower. The entrance was dark and I couldn't see much. I remember walking through the entrance for some time. And then all of a sudden it was very bright.
At the other side of the entrance stood two humans. One was tall and muscular while the other was short and lean. I liked the short human more. The short human was standing right next to the opening on the other side of the entrance while the tall human was watching from a distance. For some strange reason I walked to the short human. And as I went near, the short human picked me up and cried. It was then that I realized how small I was compared to the humans who stood at the entrance. And for some reason, I was happy that I found the two humans at the entrance.
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The earliest memories I have of the forest is of the fairy godmother and the cherubs. Although I've not seen them for years, I believe that they are real. I'm often told that the fairy godmother and the cherubs are just a figment of my imagination. But my memories seem so real that its hard for me to believe otherwise.
My first distinct memory of the forest is of me walking through a misty plain accompanied by someone (most probably the fairy godmother) until the forest could be seen at some distance. And then I remember walking through the plain alone until I reached the edge of the dense forest.
The entrance of the forest was like a budding flower. The entrance was dark and I couldn't see much. I remember walking through the entrance for some time. And then all of a sudden it was very bright.
At the other side of the entrance stood two humans. One was tall and muscular while the other was short and lean. I liked the short human more. The short human was standing right next to the opening on the other side of the entrance while the tall human was watching from a distance. For some strange reason I walked to the short human. And as I went near, the short human picked me up and cried. It was then that I realized how small I was compared to the humans who stood at the entrance. And for some reason, I was happy that I found the two humans at the entrance.
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As days passed, I started liking the tall human as well. Oh! I forgot.. I started calling the short human 'mother' and the tall human 'father'. In the beginning I thought they were friends of the fairy godmother who were here in the forest to show me around. But as days passed, the fairy godmother seemed more and more of an imagination than reality. I cannot tell precisely the difference btween my mother and the fairy godmother. If I don't think too hard, they both look the same. If my memory is correct, my mother is very much like the fairy godmother. Soft, loving....I'm digressing again...
As days passed I started exploring the forest with my father. We lived in that part of the forest where there were other humans like my father and mother. That part of the forest was occupied with large trees and their humongous roots. We called our place the roots!!
My father took me around the forest every now and then but we never went away from our roots!!
My father took me around the forest every now and then but we never went away from our roots!!
Oh! we did a lot of things together. But I remember one event very specifically.
Once we came upon a dividing. Two roads were diverging in the woods. At the junction there were two jars. Both jars had red wine in it. One jar had wine made of hardships, failures, integrity and hope. The other jar had wine made of money, fame, dishonesty and selfishness. I wanted to drink wine from the jar of dishonesty. My father did not allow me to drink from either. But I remember him saying that hope is a good thing.. the best of things.
As days passed, I began to explore the forest on my own. At first I explored the boundaries of my roots. I began to see creatures that were not human. There were hyenas, foxes, pigs and so many other animals. I started making friends with some of these creatures. I was most inspired by the hyena. It was very aggressive in its approach and always got what it wanted. The fox was amusing. It had its own crooked way of doing things. I din't like the pigs. Not many liked the pig. The pigs were dirty, ugly and selfish creatures. I stayed away from them.
My father knew about my adventures. Often he would warn me of the dangers lurking outside the roots. But soon I became irritated of his warnings. Father had never gone outside the roots. And therefore he could never know what lay beyond!
One fine day, I decided to go outside my roots to explore the forest.
Mother and father didn't protest. But mother shed a tear as I left our roots. Father watched with helplessness. His face seemed to indicate that he knew I would leave.
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As soon as I left I went to the place where the wood diverged into two roads. I drank from the jar of dishonesty. But then I remembered my fathers advice. I drank half the wine from the jar of hope. I regretted that decision later in my journey through the forest.
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Once we came upon a dividing. Two roads were diverging in the woods. At the junction there were two jars. Both jars had red wine in it. One jar had wine made of hardships, failures, integrity and hope. The other jar had wine made of money, fame, dishonesty and selfishness. I wanted to drink wine from the jar of dishonesty. My father did not allow me to drink from either. But I remember him saying that hope is a good thing.. the best of things.
As days passed, I began to explore the forest on my own. At first I explored the boundaries of my roots. I began to see creatures that were not human. There were hyenas, foxes, pigs and so many other animals. I started making friends with some of these creatures. I was most inspired by the hyena. It was very aggressive in its approach and always got what it wanted. The fox was amusing. It had its own crooked way of doing things. I din't like the pigs. Not many liked the pig. The pigs were dirty, ugly and selfish creatures. I stayed away from them.
My father knew about my adventures. Often he would warn me of the dangers lurking outside the roots. But soon I became irritated of his warnings. Father had never gone outside the roots. And therefore he could never know what lay beyond!
One fine day, I decided to go outside my roots to explore the forest.
Mother and father didn't protest. But mother shed a tear as I left our roots. Father watched with helplessness. His face seemed to indicate that he knew I would leave.
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As soon as I left I went to the place where the wood diverged into two roads. I drank from the jar of dishonesty. But then I remembered my fathers advice. I drank half the wine from the jar of hope. I regretted that decision later in my journey through the forest.
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I soon came to realize that the wine from the two jars did not mix well. Most of the creatures outside the roots had drunk from either of the jars, not both. Well all the humans outside the roots had drunk from the jar of hope. Hyenas and foxes had drunk from the jar of dishonesty. Most of the pigs had drunk from both the jars like me.
I became friends with the hyenas. Their nature appealed to me the most. In the early days of my exploration I always mixed with the hyenas. I even started developing claws and jaws just like the hyenas. I didn't like these new developments in my body; yet I accepted it as a cost for my company with the hyenas. But something happened which forced me to shun the company of the hyenas forever.
I became friends with the hyenas. Their nature appealed to me the most. In the early days of my exploration I always mixed with the hyenas. I even started developing claws and jaws just like the hyenas. I didn't like these new developments in my body; yet I accepted it as a cost for my company with the hyenas. But something happened which forced me to shun the company of the hyenas forever.
One day as were walking along in a pack, a human carrying lots of fruits appeared in front of us. He was carrying the fruits of hardwork, honesty and perseverence. In no time all the hyenas pounced on the human and tore him into pieces. They also took away all his fruits. Something inside my heart stirred. Something didn't feel right. I talked about my discomfort to one of my friends in the pack.
"Lose your soul...I think it came with the wine in the jar of hope. That's why you are feeling sick. Sell your soul to us and then you will feel bad no more", said my friend.
"But how do I sell my soul??", I asked.
"Eat the fruits of perseverence and hardwork from a human by killing him and you will lose your soul forever", thundered the hyena.
The hyenas words echoed inside my head. For some reason I did not want to lose my soul. I don't know why I felt that way. But that night I left the company of the hyenas!
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"Lose your soul...I think it came with the wine in the jar of hope. That's why you are feeling sick. Sell your soul to us and then you will feel bad no more", said my friend.
"But how do I sell my soul??", I asked.
"Eat the fruits of perseverence and hardwork from a human by killing him and you will lose your soul forever", thundered the hyena.
The hyenas words echoed inside my head. For some reason I did not want to lose my soul. I don't know why I felt that way. But that night I left the company of the hyenas!
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The foxes were more fun than I thought. They were always pulling others legs and having great fun. They were in talking terms with hyenas although they were also scared of them. I liked my new group and I explored the forest along with them.
But something happened which made me repent my companionship with the foxes. One day a human came along carrying with him the fruits of perseverance, hard work, integrity and honesty. A pack of hyenas were resting near a pond some distance away. One of the foxes (who was also my friend) noticed the man carrying the fruits of honesty. Immediately the fox ran to the man and said,
"do you feel like resting, dear sir?"
"Oh yes, a mouthful of water would be good", replied the man.
"Oh, please follow me sir..I know a pond near by and you can drink to your hearts wish", said the fox.
"Oh, you are such a good friend, dear fox", said the man.
The fox showed the man the way to the pond. And soon enough all the hyenas pounced on the human tearing him into pieces. In the commotion the fox stole some of the fruits from the dead man.
When the fox came back, he was very happy. But I was not. I do not know why I was not happy. But something did not feel right.
"Why did you cheat that human?", I asked.
"That's what we foxes do. We trick other people and make them fall in the trap of the hyenas. We then steal their fruits and eat from it. Thats why the hyenas also like us", said the fox with a smile on its face.
"But is it correct?", I asked.
"Of course it is correct, that's what foxes do", said the fox arrogantly.
"But it doesn't feel right", said I.
"That's because you still have some character left in you..I think it came with the wine in the jar of hope. Lose your character and you can live happily with us", said the fox.
"How do I lose my character", I asked.
"Well trick others into believing that you are their friend and then lead them into a trap and steal their fruits. Use every other creature for your benefit", said the fox.
The fox's words echoed in my head. For some reason I did not want to lose my character. I don't know why I felt that way. But that night I left the company of the foxes!
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But something happened which made me repent my companionship with the foxes. One day a human came along carrying with him the fruits of perseverance, hard work, integrity and honesty. A pack of hyenas were resting near a pond some distance away. One of the foxes (who was also my friend) noticed the man carrying the fruits of honesty. Immediately the fox ran to the man and said,
"do you feel like resting, dear sir?"
"Oh yes, a mouthful of water would be good", replied the man.
"Oh, please follow me sir..I know a pond near by and you can drink to your hearts wish", said the fox.
"Oh, you are such a good friend, dear fox", said the man.
The fox showed the man the way to the pond. And soon enough all the hyenas pounced on the human tearing him into pieces. In the commotion the fox stole some of the fruits from the dead man.
When the fox came back, he was very happy. But I was not. I do not know why I was not happy. But something did not feel right.
"Why did you cheat that human?", I asked.
"That's what we foxes do. We trick other people and make them fall in the trap of the hyenas. We then steal their fruits and eat from it. Thats why the hyenas also like us", said the fox with a smile on its face.
"But is it correct?", I asked.
"Of course it is correct, that's what foxes do", said the fox arrogantly.
"But it doesn't feel right", said I.
"That's because you still have some character left in you..I think it came with the wine in the jar of hope. Lose your character and you can live happily with us", said the fox.
"How do I lose my character", I asked.
"Well trick others into believing that you are their friend and then lead them into a trap and steal their fruits. Use every other creature for your benefit", said the fox.
The fox's words echoed in my head. For some reason I did not want to lose my character. I don't know why I felt that way. But that night I left the company of the foxes!
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I was scared to go with the humans for two reasons.
One, they were always speaking out about the heinous ways of the foxes and the hyenas.
Two, the foxes and hyenas were always looking for a chance to kill the humans and steal their fruits. Hence I stayed alone.
I soon realized that I did not have fruits to eat nor friends to speak to. In my hunger and thirst I became selfish. I did not care about my looks or my actions. I soon turned into a pig!!
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One, they were always speaking out about the heinous ways of the foxes and the hyenas.
Two, the foxes and hyenas were always looking for a chance to kill the humans and steal their fruits. Hence I stayed alone.
I soon realized that I did not have fruits to eat nor friends to speak to. In my hunger and thirst I became selfish. I did not care about my looks or my actions. I soon turned into a pig!!
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I was contemplating ending my life when I found her. She resembled my mother.. a lot. I don't know why she, a human, fell in love with me, a pig. She called the forest "life". Funny name I thought. Why would anyone call the forest "life". But she always smiled and never answered. But she loved me endlessly.
Soon, I returned to normalcy as she fed me with fruits of honesty and hardwork. She even taught me how to gather these precious fruits. I was slowly changing back from a pig to a human. But I was not as complete as I used to be. And I always wished to go back to my roots.
One day I spoke of my hearts desire to my love. Oh! How happy she was to hear my wish!!
"Oh! how long I have waited to hear this from you..for a man can explore as much as he wants, but he'll never be complete unless he returns to his roots", she said.
I did not know then what she meant, but I think I know now.
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Soon, I returned to normalcy as she fed me with fruits of honesty and hardwork. She even taught me how to gather these precious fruits. I was slowly changing back from a pig to a human. But I was not as complete as I used to be. And I always wished to go back to my roots.
One day I spoke of my hearts desire to my love. Oh! How happy she was to hear my wish!!
"Oh! how long I have waited to hear this from you..for a man can explore as much as he wants, but he'll never be complete unless he returns to his roots", she said.
I did not know then what she meant, but I think I know now.
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Father and mother cried when they saw me. Mother embraced me and cried just like she did when she first saw me. Father was also crying. Again he had the look of a person who knew I would return. The days that followed were filled with joy and happiness. And as days passed we saw a small child waiting for us at the opening of the entrance. My love rushed to him and picked him up just like mother picked me up when I arrived. Oh! how we loved him....
I retraced my life through his. I took him around the forest and showed him the wonders of the forest. And just like my father I never strayed from my roots.
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I retraced my life through his. I took him around the forest and showed him the wonders of the forest. And just like my father I never strayed from my roots.
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He is a big boy now..well the truth is he is a fox now... he often eats from the fruits of money and fame stolen from the humans. But I guess he'll understand in time...
But a fear runs through my veins every now and then .. has he drunk from the jar of hope...or is it only the wine of dishonesty that flows in his blood?? Will my boy ever return as a human?? Will he return to his roots??
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But a fear runs through my veins every now and then .. has he drunk from the jar of hope...or is it only the wine of dishonesty that flows in his blood?? Will my boy ever return as a human?? Will he return to his roots??
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Now a days I spend my day sitting at the opening of the entrance into the forest. My love and my boy have left me.. My parents have left me long back...I now wish I had never left the roots.. I wish I had spend more time with my father and mother...
My boy never returned..well he did return...only to eat from our fruits of hardwork and honesty..he was still a fox...I think he never changed... Now a days even our roots are filled with hyenas, foxes and pigs...humans seem to be vanishing from this forest which my love called life... Even the roots have become a dangerous place for us humans to stay!!
Sometimes I wonder whether I should go back through the dark entrance to the misty plains from where I came.. Sometimes I laugh at myself thinking it is a stupid idea. But the truth is, i'm getting older .. there is no one left here in the forest for me to love...And living alone in the forest is not something I have done ever since I entered this forest..
Sometimes I ask myself..is there a fairy godmother? or was it just a figment of my imagination? Is there a misty plain?? Or will I die like all other creatures in this forest??
Sometimes I curse the fairy godmother for sending me into this forest. Why did she have to send me here?? And why is she not coming to me when I need her the most? I guess I'm too old to find answers...
I only hope, yes hope, that one day the fairy godmother would come and take me to the other side of the entrance...to the misty plains of calm and peace...
To the happy hunting grounds of the cherubs..
To eternity!
My boy never returned..well he did return...only to eat from our fruits of hardwork and honesty..he was still a fox...I think he never changed... Now a days even our roots are filled with hyenas, foxes and pigs...humans seem to be vanishing from this forest which my love called life... Even the roots have become a dangerous place for us humans to stay!!
Sometimes I wonder whether I should go back through the dark entrance to the misty plains from where I came.. Sometimes I laugh at myself thinking it is a stupid idea. But the truth is, i'm getting older .. there is no one left here in the forest for me to love...And living alone in the forest is not something I have done ever since I entered this forest..
Sometimes I ask myself..is there a fairy godmother? or was it just a figment of my imagination? Is there a misty plain?? Or will I die like all other creatures in this forest??
Sometimes I curse the fairy godmother for sending me into this forest. Why did she have to send me here?? And why is she not coming to me when I need her the most? I guess I'm too old to find answers...
I only hope, yes hope, that one day the fairy godmother would come and take me to the other side of the entrance...to the misty plains of calm and peace...
To the happy hunting grounds of the cherubs..
To eternity!
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